When a friend informs you they’ve been diagnosed with cancer, you might feel at a loss for words and unsure how to help or support them. After all, cancer is a scary word, and there are so many different kinds of cancer, treatments, and experiences. With that in mind, there are a few things you can do before you can be part of your friend’s support system. Let’s discuss.
First Things First: Process Your Feelings
Processing your feelings before interacting with your friend will help you be present and focus on their journey and how you can best support them. Feelings may include shock, fear, anxiety, sadness, grief, anger, and guilt. You should also prepare yourself for changes in your friend, as they may experience fatigue, weight loss, hair loss, and other physical manifestations of their illness and treatment.
How to Be Supportive
It is understandable not to know what to say or do during this time. However, providing emotional support is one of the best ways to be present for your friend. Below are a few do’s and don’ts.
Do:
- Be present and listen to your friend about how they are feeling. Let them know you are there if they need to vent, but also tell them it’s okay if they don’t want to talk about it.
- Lighten their load by helping with errands and chores.
- Curate a care package with fuzzy socks, head scarves, beanies, toiletries, blankets, self-care items, snacks, books, and adult coloring books.
- Visit them at home or the hospital (be sure to schedule in advance to ensure they have the energy). Watch funny shows, share snacks, and remind them you will return soon.
Don’t:
- Don’t provide unsolicited advice or pass judgment on how your friend is coping or their treatment plan.
- Don’t take things personally. It is likely that your friend will be quieter, moodier, or need alone time. (However, don’t feel like you need to accept abuse. Illness is not an excuse for abuse.)
- You don’t always have to talk about their illness. If they want to chat about future plans, what’s going on in your life, or any other topic, embrace it.
- Don’t assume you know how they feel.
- Don’t say things like:
- How long do you have to live?
- I’ve heard X cures cancer.
- You don’t look like a cancer patient.
- You are so brave.
- Everything will be fine.
For more information on how to support a friend or family member with cancer, visit the American Society of Clinical Oncology (ASCO).