Disagreements and fights are inevitable parts of relationships. But what if we told you that if you really love someone, you should learn to fight with them? According to psychologist John Gottman, “Conflict has a purpose, and the purpose is mutual understanding.” He says the happiest couples don’t avoid conflict; they just know how to fight fairly, productively, and respectfully. Let’s look at a few ways to do this!
Stay on Topic
Many of us have been in an argument that starts with something trivial, like where to eat, and ends up deep, like how you feel disconnected from each other. That’s a lot to tackle in one conversation, making it impossible to get to the root of an issue. So, pick one thing to discuss and solve that issue before moving on to the next.
Careful With Your Terminology
It may seem like nothing, but certain words like “always” and “never” can exaggerate situations. When this happens, the rhetoric can become defensive. This terminology also makes problems seem too severe or too big to solve, which is rarely the case. Remember that words matter, and there is no shame in taking a moment before responding or stating your case.
Talkin’ Body
Your body language says a lot, even if you don’t necessarily mean it to. Motions like crossing your arms, rolling your eyes, or clenching your fist are closed-off behaviors that indicate you’re not open to communication. But you can use body language to your advantage by maintaining eye contact, nodding, and keeping your arms and hands down to appear physically open. This tells your partner they have your full attention and you’re receptive to the conversation.
Sticks and Stones
Arguments can get heated and resort to subtle digs, but these will do more harm than good. Instead of attacking your partner, pause to think about a constructive way to address the issue without name-calling.
There Is a Time and a Place
We can’t always control where or when a disagreement happens, but instead of engaging in a fight during an inopportune time (with added stress and embarrassment), agree on a time and place to sort out the issue, preferably when you’re alone in a private, neutral space.
Stressed? Tired? Hangry?
If you’re any of those things or generally not in a great headspace, you’re more likely to lose your temper or respond negatively to a conversation. Before engaging in an argument, ensure you are in a good headspace, have eaten well, and are caught up on sleep.
Say It to Their Face
Text messages and DMs are quick and convenient, but your tone or point can often be misunderstood. And when it comes to disagreements, this matters. If you need to get it all out, do so face-to-face.
Consider Couples Therapy
If your fights are becoming more frequent or you’re not getting through to each other, a couples counselor can help you understand each other’s perspectives and provide tools to make communication more effective.