Friendship is such an essential part of the human experience. Friends increase our overall happiness level by 7% to 11%, depending on our age range, according to a Plos One research publication. But just like with relationships, some friendships can have red flags and in some cases, those red flags point to codependency. Codependency is like an emotional rollercoaster where you prioritize other people’s needs over your own, often getting tangled up in unhealthy or abusive dynamics.
When Is a Friendship Codependent?
You can spot a codependent friendship when there is an over-reliance on one another. In a codependent relationship, there is always someone who is notably the “taker” and the “giver.” The person who takes is usually always in need of emotional support from the giver, sometimes boosting the self-esteem of the giver, but also leads to the giver ignoring their own needs and being taken advantage of. The giver usually has good intentions, however, they try to care for and maybe even “fix” or “rescue” the friend in need.
Being the giver can turn you into an enabler that allows the taker to continuously lean on you, bringing you a twisted satisfaction from being “needed.” Being the taker perpetuates the unhealthy behavior as well. It allows you to continue down a destructive path where you never learn any lessons or responsibility, becoming increasingly dependent on the enabler.
Patterns and Characteristics of a Codependent Friendship
There is not one set description of patterns and characteristics formally defined by mental health professionals, but some are commonly accepted. It is not a condition listed within the DSM-5 as a personality disorder, but the behaviors are treatable.
Here are some patterns and characteristics to help you identify if you or someone you love is in a codependent friendship or relationship (including with a partner, coworker, or family member):
The Giver:
- An exaggerated sense of responsibility over someone
- Feeling extreme guilt if you do not include your friend
- Putting the “taker” before any other friendship or relationship
- Your friend seems to always be in crisis mode and needier than the average person
- You are their primary source of support
- You feel special because you feel so needed
- Your friend is not there for you when you need them
- Your friend has an obsessive quality about them
- More often than not, you are worried about them
- You may feel resentful
- No sense of boundaries with this specific friend
The Taker:
- You overshare more often than not
- Easily hurt when your perceived efforts are not acknowledged
- An extreme need for approval
- A need to control others
- Feel a lack of trust
- You have an intense fear of abandonment
- You may be quick to anger
- You may knowingly or unknowingly be dishonest
- Fixation on your friend
How to Help Yourself
If you recognize that you are in a codependent relationship and need help overcoming these behaviors, seeking help may be the first step to healing and moving forward. A starting point to overcoming codependent behavior includes self-reflection and starting talk therapy with a mental health professional, specifically one whose focus is on relationships. A therapist can offer you insight into your behavior and provide you with the tools you need to keep you from repeating these unhealthy patterns.